A New and Shining Land 
The government of Tuvalu reacted to todays announcement of the existence of Tamu Massif, the world's largest volcano. Tuvaluan officials are looking into the feasibility of Tamu Massif becoming an a future homeland for the people of the likely-doomed island nation.

"As you know, Tuvalu is disappearing beneath the rising ocean level," explains Roger Funafuti, of the Tuvalu Geophysical Union. "Global warming is causing our lands to more and more by swallowed up by the sea. We see this undersea volcano as a potential source of a new island for our people. This thing is the size of your New Mexico. New Mexico! That's around 10,000 times the size of our current homeland!"

Social scientists explain that Tamu Massif is an inactive volcano and is unlikely to develop into an island in the near future. "It is, after all, two kilometers under water," explains Christopher Nanumea, of Tuvalou's Society for Social Change. "In order to build an island from this volcano, we need to make it active and the best way to do that is to anger the volcanoes "gods".

"For millennia, island people have sacrificed virgins to calm raging volcanoes," Nanumea continued. "Now we have to shift gears and find truly -- how shall I say? -- 'experienced' people who be sacrificed to Tamu Massif. We hope to find some monumentally naughty individuals."

When asked how many of these people he expects to volunteer for human sacrifice, he answered a surprised exclamation, "None! Goodness, no. Who in their right mind would do so. No, we're relying on old-fashioned greed to get out non-virgins. Watch for an exciting offer of a tropical time-share 'with benefits' in your mail box," chuckled Nanumea.

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